Trust.

There was a time in my life when I had such little trust that I blamed others for my disappointment.

I blamed boyfriends for my own unhappiness, because I wasn’t able to trust that we weren’t right for one another.

Because leaving somebody you love is terrifying.

And falling is scary.

Being alone is confusing.

But what has saved me is trust.

Trust has given my the confidence to quit jobs, re-find myself when lovers walked away, share parts of my life that have been worth sharing, mentor women, paint, buy a van and much much more. Trust has given me the personal power to go after what it is I desire in life. Trust has let me heal. Trust has been one of my greatest super powers.

Let me tell you about a time I thought I would never live to see the light of day.

I was on the edge of the Grand Canyon, in the middle of a blizzard.

With a boy I barely knew.

In an RV that wasn’t mine.

Or his.

I opened the door to pee outside, because the toilet was broken, and an inch of snow blew right on in the door and covered the floor.

For the first time while on the road I questioned my safety. I questioned my sanity. I questioned the intentions of the person I was with.

I thought for the first time that maybe I had made a really bad decision.

But what I realize now, almost five years later, that moment feeling like a different lifetime, is that when I think back on this moment I get afraid for my past self, not because of how ridiculous it seems but because I forget that in all of those moments that led me to being in an RV with an almost stranger in a blizzard on the edge of the Grand Canyon were moments that felt deeply aligned for me.

Think vs. Feel.

A big lesson I learned in 2019.

When I think I let my mind take an inappropriate amount of control.

When I feel into something, I let energy take over. I let spirit be a part of the process. I let the universe guide me. I let my inner trust take me to the places that are aligned for the version of my life that is totally worth living.

And wow has life been worth living.

I scare myself shitless about so many things, so often.

But I also feel immense gratitude, daily. Feelings that I would never have experienced in this lifetime if I never let trust settle in and control my choices.

I did a meditation by Gabby Bernstein last night. I was going nuts in my own skin. You know that feelings when you’re just waiting for somebody you like to text you back? And it’s got you on the edge of your seat, unable to think about anything else. You start driving yourself crazy.

Well that’s where I was. And I knew I had to do something or I was going to lose my mind.

Cord cutting.

Surrender.

Forgiveness.

These were a few of the meditations I had been dabbling in. After the third meditation, I realized (finally) that I was not in control. I had made a choice. And now I had to surrender. I had to forgive myself for being impatient and for trying to predict something that was not mine to predict.

I haven’t ready Gabby Bernstein’s book, The Universe Has Got Your Back yet, but it’s next on my shelf, and as I look past my computer screen I see the title glaring back at me, and all I can do is TRUST in exactly that. It’s what I always have done—trusting in a power greater than me, and it’s what I will continue to do. Because with trust, comes some wild and crazy magic that is TOTALLY worth living for.

Xo friends. M